OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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