Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
