if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
