btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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