I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
operation harelip BJ is a go
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
