Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
