Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
