I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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