So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
