She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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