I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
