I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
