I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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