I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
