: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
