Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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