My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize