This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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