gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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