Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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