dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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