you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
