i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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