I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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