she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
