I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
