I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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