is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
