I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
