The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
