tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
