Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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