I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
