I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
