Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
