you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
