explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
