did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
