I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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