She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
