chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
