I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
