I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
