Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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