I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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