i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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