No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
