I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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