your parents love me but you hate me
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
