There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
